Your world is falling apart. You’ve learned that your baby has been born with a dire medical condition, and they won’t live long. The loss of a child is traumatic and life-altering. You’re rightfully filled with many emotions and questions. While there’s truly no way to prepare for the loss of a child, some simple planning may help you cope with the emotional and practical aspects of losing your baby.
Stages of Grief
You’ll likely experience many different emotions as you mourn. There are five stages of grief that you’ll likely experience, and you can move back and forth through the stages. There’s no “right” order or set timeline for your grief:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Prepare for Losing Your Baby
Your emotions may overwhelm you during this difficult time. Reach out to family, friends, and faith leaders, or join a grief support group for other parents who have lost their babies. Allow yourself to feel all your emotions and give yourself grace; don’t hide your emotions or put on a “brave face.”
Celebrate your pregnancy in ways that are meaningful to you and your partner. This can include taking pregnancy progress pictures, buying newborn clothes, and/or talking and singing to your baby throughout the day. Many women who have experienced this kind of loss have expressed that this helped them feel like they cherished and honored the life of their baby.
You and your partner should lead the decision-making before and after your baby’s birth. Create a birth plan that aligns with your beliefs and preferences. Take control and feel empowered despite the decisions that are out of your control.
Ask for More Support
If you and your partner are struggling with the tasks that seem endless during this time, consider having a bereavement doula help guide you through. A bereavement doula is trained to support you during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum.
A bereavement doula can:
- Help you create your birth plan
- Offer emotional support before, during, and after your baby’s birth
- Connect you and your family to helpful resources
- Assist with funeral arrangements
Precious Moments
When your baby arrives, you’ll have time to spend with them. Parents who’ve experienced losing a baby in the past, have said that these precious memories as a new family are the most cherished. Your labor nurses will help you and your partner create memorial gifts to remember your baby. They can include:
- Special lighting
- Photos of your baby in a handmade outfit and a certain position
- Personalized jewelry
- Hand and footprints
- Hair for memory glass
- Tote bag with hospital bracelets and other items
Physical Changes
Your body will naturally begin to make milk after the birth of your baby. It’s your decision to donate to other babies in need or allow it to dry up. If you want your milk to dry up, your breasts may become engorged (swollen, hard, and painful). These are some ways to ease engorgement discomfort:
- Cold compresses for about 20 minutes
- Green cabbage leaves applied on top of the breasts for around 20 minutes
- Warm showers
- Hand express milk for about 2-3 minutes
- Wear a comfortable and supportive bra
If you choose to donate your milk, contact a local milk bank to join their donor program. Many women who’ve donated their breast milk found that this method of supporting other families was an important part of their healing.
Difficult Conversations
Your family and friends who aren’t aware of your situation will have questions about what happened to your baby. You have the right to share how much or how little information you give them. Some couples develop a “script” to use when asked about their baby.
As with many tough life circumstances, some family and friends may make comments that are inappropriate or hurtful. Don’t take these comments to heart; they aren’t a reflection of you or your baby. Tell them what is helpful and what is hurtful so they can better support you and your partner.
If you have older children, take a similar approach. Explain what happened in a simple and age-appropriate manner. Young children are unable to conceptualize death; while pre-teens and teenagers will understand better.
Allow your children to have space and time to express their feelings openly. Create a safe place for them and you’ll find that your children will grieve the loss of their sibling in their own way. It’s ok for you and your children to cry together when grieving.
Creating a Lasting Memory
It’s important to memorialize your baby in a way that brings you and your partner peace. Keepsakes and mementos are priceless reminders that you created a new life. Some families like to plant a tree or a flower garden or start other traditions of remembrance to honor their baby. One way to keep your baby’s memory alive is to talk about them and say their name often. Writing in a journal, on social media, or by making video diaries can also be therapeutic.
Losing your baby is extremely challenging and changes your future. Remember grief doesn’t occur in a straight line and has no expiration date. Each person in your family will grieve in their way and at their own pace. Use your community of supportive family and friends to navigate these difficult times. Seek professional help (if needed) and don’t feel ashamed; discuss these needs with your healthcare team. Your healing journey makes a difference in how you continue to show up in the world and live each day with a new purpose.
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